One of my readers who also happens to be my brother, Fritz (names have been changed), has been pelting me with text messages to post more content here. So if it's not funny, blame Fritz for compelling me to write under duress.
Day 2 included most of the funny stuff. Days 3 and 4 were pretty tame by comparison.
I woke Monday morning around 5:45 AM to the cries of Rocky shouting, "Hey Mommy, hey Mommy!" which is the usual wake up call. Even though Mommy wasn't here, I figured I'd better take the call anyway. He seemed mildly surprised to see me and I reminded him that Mommy was on vacation.
After a simple breakfast I decided that I should take care of the weeds in the vegetable garden, so I slathered sunscreen on the boys and myself and we headed outside. While the boys drew pictures on the driveway with chalk, I proceeded with an attempt at manual labor. After about 15 minutes, I remembered that there is absolutely nothing remotely interesting about weeds, so I abandoned my hoe and joined the boys. I discovered that Buzz had drawn a line down the middle of the driveway and was rebuking Rocky for trespassing on his side. I decided not to meddle in the boundary dispute, and inquired whether they wanted me to push them on the swings. They did, and we all failed as usual to make our swings go all the way around. Maybe next time.
Back in the house, the boys wanted to watch a cartoon on the computer. For reasons beyond my comprehension, it was agreed upon that we would watch an old episode of "The Smurfs." While the smurf village was being burned by an angry dragon, Buzz started freaking out. While I concur that smurfs are freaky and disturbing, I was puzzled by Buzz's reaction. After a brief investigation I discovered that the freak out was not a smurfy one, but that he had rubbed his eyes and they were now stinging from the sunscreen.
I procured a turkey baster and attempted to flush Buzz's eyes with water. For some reason, six-year-olds do not like to have water squirted in their eyes, especially when they're already hysterical. So I get Buzz to strip off his clothes and I put him in the shower. This seemed like a novelty to Rocky and he wants to get in too. I recall that Lois did want me to make sure the kids bathed while she was away, so I get Rocky in the shower with Buzz. After only a few moments, Rocky is now screaming that his eyes are stinging. Stupid sunscreen. I'm already getting wet and water is getting on the floor so I get in the shower, fully clothed, to see if I can do anything to help the kids. Both boys fail to acknowledge my sacrifice, and neither of them appreciate the humor of the situation either. After forcing them both in turns to put their faces directly into the stream of water, they eventually calm down.
Finally, after this ordeal is over, we return to the computer and get to see Hefty Smurf cleverly vanquish the dragon by luring it to the river and getting the other smurfs to open the dam (oh sorry, spoiler alert).
The next activity we have planned is to make a trip "to town" so that I can pick up a library book I've been waiting for. After what seems like an unreasonably long time to get the kids to use the bathroom and get their shoes on, I've finally got them both buckled into the van when I remember that I need some spare pants and underwear for Rocky, "just in case." When I return to the van, Buzz yells that he has a bloody nose. I look at him accusingly. "Did you pick it?" I ask. "No!" is his indignant reply. I can see that he's telling the truth because there's no blood on any of his fingers. Stupid dry climate. I get the kids back in the house, we stop the bleeding, and are finally on our way.
By the time we've completed our mission at the library and are on our way back home it's right around lunch time and we pass a Wendy's. Buzz is usually the one to ask whether we can go to a restaurant, but this time it's Rocky.
Rocky: Can we go to Wendy's?
Me: No, not today.
Rocky (in a somewhat aggressive two-year-old voice): Sometimes when the kids say can we go to Wendy's, the mom and dad say yes.
Well, he got me with logic there. But by now Wendy's was well behind us, so I suggested IN-N-OUT instead. Both boys cheered. While the food was enjoyable, I have concluded that IN-N-OUT is no longer awesome now that it doesn't require a trip to California. Stupid trendy burger joints and their market saturation.
Days 3 and 4 were fun, but not nearly as hectic. I could just make up some stuff, but the laundry needs doing tonight (did I mention that Rocky is in the midst of potty training?), so I'll fabricate something another time. Lois returns tomorrow evening, but that leaves plenty of time for more mischief. I'm tempted to test the effects of caffeine on the boys to give me some writing material, but I don't want them to start bogarting my Dr. Pepper.
1 comment:
Oh I am SO enjoying this. You are my hero Rob. I think I can remember the exact DAY when I was driving our large "basketball team with cheerleaders" somewhere and everyone obediently piled into the van with minimum pushing and arguing and everyone actually had both shoes on and I didn't have to help anyone. I think I felt the planets move out of orbit a bit. Of course, in those days kids just sat in the regular seats trying to see out the windows ....no booster/car seats required.
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