New Strides in Water Conservation

Originally written on October 28, 2008

Back in July, the Wall Street Journal reported that Sanyo has invented a washing machine that will clean clothes without a single drop of water.

"The process of "ozonation" -- which disinfects bacteria on contact -- can air-wash clothes, removing about 80% of biodegradable stains without using any water at all, says Ryo Hagiwara, Sanyo's spokesman."

The only problem I see is that you can't very well take dry clothes out of your washing machine and then put them in the dryer. That could ruin the dryer! So those who use this new invention must keep a bucket of water to douse their clothes before putting them in to dry.

Nevertheless, this is really incredible. I've also heard of "waterfree urinals" which sounds kind of icky, but really, more than half of the times I have had the occasion to use a urinal, I've found that the last person to use it apparently assumed that it was waterfree anyway. I must conclude that reasonably intelligent human beings only failed to flush because they are concerned for the environment.

The city of Eagle Mountain is also making efforts to conserve water. They recently installed artificial turf in front of the eagle monument at the turnoff to Eagle Mountain Blvd. It looks like real grass! If you don't look too closely.

So this got me thinking, and I want each of you to be the first to have a glimpse of my own waterfree inventions before they hit the market.

Waterfree mouthwash: This is a powder which has a very strong sour lemon flavor, in order to stimulate salivation. You put a quantity of powder on your tongue and allow your mouth to fill with saliva. Once you have enough liquid in your mouth, you swish and spit as usual. Don't swallow the powder though, unless you want a waterfree ulcer.

Waterfree dishwasher: I call this the K9. Coincidentally, saliva plays an integral part of this device as well.

Waterfree waterpolo: Because of the redundancy, I just call this polo. Instead of being in a swimming pool, the players sit on horses.

Waterfree goldfish: I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

Waterfree water pollution: This involves a process which will put the pollution directly into the air, thus conserving millions of gallons of water.

Waterfree Michael Phelps: This is a guy who works at my company named Ed. He's an accountant!

The next project still has some kinks to work out: Waterfree fire hydrants. The test subjects were dissatisfied with the prototype on this one.