Five Guys Burgers and Fries: I will give you your opinion

Originally written on October 23, 2009

About a month ago my brother, Buck, asked me to write a review of Five Guys Burgers and Fries. He said that he and his wife, Betty, went there and, "We enjoyed your review of Stumpy's so much that Betty asked me to e-mail you and see if you would review this place as well. She says that she won't trust anyone else's opinion."

I had two nearly simultaneous reactions to this. One was that I was flattered. The other was confusion. Betty wants me to review this place because she won't trust anyone else's opinion. But she's already been there. I had no idea that my simple keystrokes were so powerful. And now I feel bad that it has been more than a month and I have yet to write anything that will tell poor Betty whether or not she liked the food she ate.

Wait no longer Betty...

Five Guys Burgers and Fries: A pretentious, yet delicious alternative.

When you first walk into a 5G restaurant, you'll wonder why half the tables are covered with huge bags of farm feed. Then you'll realize that it's not farm feed, it's potatoes. Then you'll go, "Oh I get it, they only use *fresh* potatoes and they want to make sure we know that when we're trying to find a place to sit." Well, one thing is for sure -- pretentious or not, 5G fries are freaking tasty.

5G also has huge boxes of peanuts for the customers. I hope this trend catches on at other burger joints. It's nice to be able to munch on peanuts while you wait for your order. However, you probably won't have a chance to crack more than a dozen or so before your 5G order is ready. Even less if you have to wait for a sack of potatoes to scooch over so you can sit down.

The burger menu is fairly simple. You choose regular (two patties) or little (one patty). Despite the claim on the menu that "All Toppings [are] Free," cheese and bacon cost extra. "Cheese and bacon are not toppings," they will explain. "They are different kinds of burgers." Okay, fine. The topping choices are many (sixteen), but the wrong combination can make a disaster. But if you don't like your grilled mushroom, jalapeno pepper, and A-1 sauce combo, you really have no one to blame but yourself. The bread is fresh and delicious.

Your beverage choices include Coke products. Now, when one of my faithful readers requested this review, I was faced with a dilemma. Soda is taboo for me for three months, but I felt that I had a duty to visit Five Guys again before I could write a suitable review. And the burger/fries/peanuts experience is greatly enhanced by the consumption of soda. Luckily for me, when I went on my research mission I discovered that the Coke fountain included lemonade. The label also clearly advertises 0% juice, so I knew there was no danger of my getting anything nutritious. But still, it's not soda. By the way, Coke's lemonade is gross.

A fun fact that is listed on the Five Guys website is that there are over 250,000 ways to order a burger at Five Guys. I've tried 2 so far. Next time, I'm going to try the one where you stand on one foot and place your order with a Brooklyn accent.

So if you don't mind paying more than average for your burger meal, you won't be disappointed in the fries, and if you don't try to get too creative with your toppings, you'll enjoy a good burger, too. And I gawta tell ya, they ain't nuttin' bettah than da peanuts. Fah-ged aboud it, capiche? I musta ate toidy soivins.